Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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