Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
