I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
