seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
