Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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