I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
