Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
