I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
