Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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