Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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