I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
