When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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