Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
