he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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