bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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