my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
