oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
