I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
