Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i just wanna soil my oats bro
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
