i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
