In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm sobbing to NWA
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
