Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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