Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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