Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
