im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
