The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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