During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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