it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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