The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
