Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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