So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
