Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
my shit smells like andre
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
