I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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