Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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