I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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