When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
