Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
