Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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