May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
