I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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