Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
