how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
