I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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