I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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