Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
