To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
