tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
