Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
