I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
