I wannas sexs uuuuu
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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